In This Hallway

VULNERABLE POST AHEAD:

 

Here we are again.  Coming so close just to be given another “no”.  

 

On Wednesday, July 1st, I got an email containing the long awaited decision from the directors of my World Race: Semesters program at Adventures in Missions.  My hope and prayer was that, despite the uncertainty still going on because of this pandemic, we would be launching in August.  But that wasn’t the answer.  I opened the email and read the words: “Due to COVID-19 we cannot send any international trips this fall as planned.”  

 

Was I disappointed?  Yes, I mean, I had invested so much time and prayer and heart into preparing for this trip.  Was I surprised?  No.  I tend to be an optimistic person, but even so I would have been surprised if they sent us overseas this fall.  I was hopeful, but kinda figured it would end this way.  And ultimately I was okay with that.  Sort of.  What did surprise me was the reaction I had to the news.  I was frustrated.  Not frustrated that the trip was cancelled.  I was frustrated with myself.  Frustrated because, for the last 3 years, every major plan I’ve had for my life has been changed, delayed or cancelled for one reason or another.  What lesson is God trying to teach me that I haven’t learned yet?  Why give me a passion for something just to take away the opportunity to fulfill it.  C’mon God, we’ve been through this so many times, just tell me what I need to know already so I can get past this rut of disappointment and heartache.  

 

And in that moment it all made sense.  All God wanted from me was to let go.  Let go of the expectations I had for Him and for my life.  As I sat alone reflecting on the attitude of my heart I realized, if I’m in control, it’s really not about letting Him use me.  Were my intentions good?  I believe so, but I wanted to determine the outcome.  That’s not surrender.  That’s not faith.  That’s not humility.  That’s not the servant’s heart we, as God’s children, are asked to have.  

 

In full transparency, I still struggle with moments of frustration, discouragement and doubt.  There are still days when I ask God why.  Times when I am ready to give up and move on.  But I believe God has me on this path for a reason, and through His strength and guidance, I will persevere.  

 

I wrote a song a little over 2 years ago entitled “In This Hallway”.  Much like the closed door I seem to face at the moment, this song was written at a similar juncture of my life.  Little did I know 2 years ago that God was giving me an anthem for my future.  These words have grown to mean more to me each time I’ve watched some of my hopes and dreams die.  Through each experience God has taught me that when He brings death to a vision, it only means He has better in store.  Here are the words that 18 year old me poured out over a half hour with my guitar on a Saturday night:

 

I have traveled down many broken roads

I’ve tried to handle so much pain on my own

But I’ve just come up empty and dry

And falling on my knees I cry, 

 

In this hallway, I will wait for You

In this hallway, I choose to trust in You

In this hallway, I cry out to You

Though all the doors are closed right now, 

I will praise You in this hallway.

 

Though I’ve surrendered my will into Your hands, 

I’m still fighting to understand

Cause days get hard and the wait is long

but I know that You’re still holding on

 

In this hallway, I will wait for You

In this hallway, I choose to trust in You

In this hallway, I cry out to You

Though all the doors are closed right now

I will praise You in this hallway

 

Cause I know someday a door will open

And I know someday the answers will come

And I know Your love won’t change

That’s why I choose to say:

 

In this hallway, I will wait for You

In this hallway, I choose to trust in You

In this hallway, I cry out to you

Though all the doors are closed right now…

Though all the doors are closed right now

 

In that hallway, I didn’t understand

In that hallway, You took my hand

In that hallway, You revealed Your plan

A door now stands here open wide

And I can’t wait to see the other side

Of this hallway

 

 I have not given up on going overseas.  My heart still longs to share the Good News with those who have yet to hear it.  Until and unless God closes that door and leads me elsewhere, I will continue seeking opportunities to fulfill that desire.  In the meantime, I wait in this hallway.  I wait, I trust, I surrender.

 

Please continue praying that my heart will be open and obedient to the Holy Spirit’s leading and that I will make the most of my time serving Him in the waiting.  

 

Psalms 130:5 

     “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.”